"Why did/didn't you do that?"
I did/didn't tell you that!"
You did/ didn't tell me THAT!"
You always/never _________________!" <---Fill in the blank
"You said/ didn't say ________________!" <---Fill in the blank
Sounds like a lot of relationships out there, doesn't it? There are differences of opinion in "normal" relationships. Everyone bickers at some point. Sometimes it is silly or irrational and gets out of control. After all, we all have different perspectives, and we are entitled to our own opinion, right? What transpires in a relationship with a disordered person is that the blame is ALWAYS on the other person. The outbursts come out of nowhere. The conversation usually turns violent. They absolutely always have to have their way. They use threats, intimidation, verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse if you dare to disagree, contradict, or correct. Even the most innocent and benign discussion can turn on a dime. You walk away feeling belittled, confused, and afraid. In between those times they either act like nothing at all just happened and their madly in love with you, or treat you like your their worst enemy and won't speak a kind word.
The worst part is that it happens many times a week, and sometimes multiple times a day!
If this scenario sounds like something you have been experiencing in your relationship...I ask that you research these terms:
Sociopath You may think that is simply "a bad temper", "the booze", "the drugs", "the sexual addiction", etc..
(ALCOHOL AND DRUGS AND OTHER ADDICTIONS DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE ABUSE OTHERS)
YES YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! BUT...This is more than being moody or having a bad temper! You may be dealing with an individual with a dangerous mental illness. It is dangerous for you as well as them. Their violent rages know no boundaries. They have no empathy for other people or their feelings. Their thoughts are distorted and they don't fight fair. They are beyond self centered...it is about survival for them. Survival of their ego. Even though they seem self-assured and strong, they feel weak inside. Therefor they must control everything and everyone around them at all costs. They feel entitled to get and do what they want, when they want it....by any means. Even (and especially) if it means destroying those closest to them and those they love. After all, loved ones can hurt them the most, and probably have in the past. Much of it stems from childhood trauma or abuse, or exposure to dysfunctional adult role models. They have a horrible fear of abandonment and feel worthless.
DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THEM! Victims oftentimes become predators looking for someone to victimize. Their anger over past hurts is a volcano that will consume you in a heartbeat.
DON'T TRY TO RESCUE THEM! We all have the ability to look within and take responsibility to save ourselves. They will surely grab hold of your life jacket just to keep their own head above water.
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. Weigh the risks and the benefits. What have you sacrificed so far? How much more are you willing to give up?
YOUR HOPES-YOUR DREAMS-YEARS-YOUR HEALTH-YOUR SANITY-YOUR LIFE?
*NOTE-PLEASE VISIT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITES TO SEEK HELP FOR YOURSELF AND CHILDREN AND FOR SUGGESTIONS ABOUT A SAFETY PLAN...AND NEVER, NEVER, NEVER CONFRONT YOUR ABUSER ABOUT THEIR POSSIBLE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.
Wow...this was my life of almost 19 years until almost a year ago....The music you have attached is so perfect too. I lived this nightmare,With me 3 children. Since he has been away for almost a year, I see clearly. How could I have stayed for so long, why did I not know. I am an educated independent woman...how could I not have known. I too have been on the road to recovery....as for my 3 children and myself, we struggle daily trying to overcome horrible patterns, trying to rebuild relationships and communication methods.
ReplyDeleteValerie, I empathize with you. I know the scars and emotional confusion that is associated with this type of relationship. It can be devastating. I feel it is a form of Post Traumatic Stress we suffer from. It sounds like you are seeing your way clear though. Keep strong, take good care of yourself. Sometimes 'how' and 'why' questions can be so darn frustrating. As well as the 'shoulda, coulda, wouldas'. I should have, could have, or would have....had I only known...been stronger...tried something else. Try not to focus on the circular thoughts. Stay in the present, be grateful you are 'out' now, and try to embrace the future. A future that will be less stressful as time goes on. I have only been away for 1.5 yrs. I have finally decided not to judge myself. Their behavior is insidious. "Smart" women fall into these relationships all the time. Abuse knows no economic, or intellectual boundaries. Especially if your dealing with a Narcissist, or Psychopath.
ReplyDeletePlease post more, and visit some of the links in my blog. I have spent alot of time researching sites that helped me to understand the nature of the beast.
Sending healing energy to you and your children, Ginny