Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why | CounsellingResource.com

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why | CounsellingResource.com

The Random Musings of a Former Muse: Musings On The Journey Thus Far by Betty LaLuna an...

The Random Musings of a Former Muse: Musings On The Journey Thus Far by Betty LaLuna an...: I have been in recovery for almost eight months. The sixth of May will mark the day that I first came face to face with the pivotal moment t...

I’m Not That Woman. An Ode For Every Woman Who Has Loved, Lost and Forgotten Her Value

Baggage Reclaim is a Superior Blog with a wealth of information on dating and relationships. Author Natalie Lue/NML (About ) is articulate, interesting, and informative.

I’m Not That Woman. An Ode For Every Woman Who Has Loved, Lost and Forgotten Her Value | Baggage Reclaim

The Journey to Wild Divine

I HAVE USED THIS PRODUCT AND IT IS AMAZING!
PEOPLE OF ALL AGES CAN BENEFIT BY LEARNING WHAT TRUE RELAXATION IS. EVEN CHILDREN. NOW ISN'T THAT BETTER THAN ALL THE HOURS SPENT ON USELESS VIDEO AND ONLINE GAMES?

WATCH THE YOUTUBE VIDEO,THEN COME BACK AND CLICK ON THE LINK TO THE RIGHT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> *PLEASE PAUSE THE MUSIC PLAYER AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE FIRST*
CHECK IT OUT

The Axiom for Healing Any Heartache

The Axiom for Healing Any Heartache

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/

Acceptance

Happiness comes from accepting the present situation, whether it’s something you wish to savor as long as possible or change as quickly as you can. Neither is possible without acceptance as the starting point, because without acceptance, you are living on the *periphery of your life. There at the edges, you can’t fully enjoy the good stuff or do anything about the rest.

Victoria Moran

Creating A Charmed Life

*(Periphery-border,boundary,circumference,surface)

My favorite support site for (BPD) partners

My favorite support site for those with partners and family members with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
http://bpdfamily.com/index.html

BPD family helped me tremendously through their extensive information and forum. It is very user friendly and divides topics. Regardless if you are in, out, or still deciding to stay in the relationship, there is a forum for you.
BPD Forum

You MUST see this! There really are men that honor women-VIDEO

I am surprised and thrilled that there is a movement like this that honors women.
Click to view "Dear Women" Video

Healing the Masculine and Feminine Split

Consciousmen.com is the exciting new website of Gay Hendricks and Arjuna Ardagh. At the heart of world problems lies the separation of the masculine and feminine. For far too long, we have lived with the brutality of the masculine in the forms of war, rape and other atrocities. The time has come to acknowledge and accept our responsibility and ask forgiveness. This is the mission of consciousmen.com and comes at exactly the right moment. Please join me in becoming a member of this great site and help accelerate the reunion of the masculine and feminine in each other and ourselves.

Healing the Masculine and Feminine Split

May You Have Peace

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DEALING WITH?

"Why did/didn't you do that?"

I did/didn't tell you that!"

You did/ didn't tell me THAT!"

You always/never _________________!" <---Fill in the blank

"You said/ didn't say ________________!" <---Fill in the blank

Sounds like a lot of relationships out there, doesn't it? There are differences of opinion in "normal" relationships. Everyone bickers at some point. Sometimes it is silly or irrational and gets out of control. After all, we all have different perspectives, and we are entitled to our own opinion, right?  What transpires in a relationship with a disordered person is that the blame is ALWAYS on the other person. The outbursts come out of nowhere. The conversation usually turns violent. They absolutely always have to have their way. They use threats, intimidation, verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse if you dare to disagree, contradict, or correct. Even the most  innocent and benign discussion can turn on a dime. You walk away feeling belittled, confused, and afraid.  In between those times they either act like nothing at all just happened and their madly in love with you, or treat you like your their worst enemy and won't speak a kind word.

The worst part is that it happens many times a week, and sometimes multiple times a day!

If this scenario sounds like something you have been experiencing in your relationship...I ask that you research these terms:

Red Flags

Narcissist

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Sociopath

Psychopathy

You may think that is simply "a bad temper", "the booze", "the drugs", "the sexual addiction", etc..

(ALCOHOL AND DRUGS AND OTHER ADDICTIONS DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE ABUSE OTHERS)

YES YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!  BUT...This is more than being moody or having a bad temper! You may be dealing with an individual with a dangerous mental illness. It is dangerous for you as well as them. Their violent rages know no boundaries. They have no empathy for other people or their feelings. Their thoughts are distorted and they don't fight fair. They are beyond self centered...it is about survival for them. Survival of their ego. Even though they seem self-assured and strong, they feel weak inside. Therefor they must control everything and everyone around them at all costs. They feel entitled  to get and do what they want, when they want it....by any means. Even (and especially) if  it means destroying those closest to them and those they love. After all, loved ones can hurt them the most, and probably have in the past.  Much of it stems from childhood trauma or abuse,  or exposure to dysfunctional adult role models. They have a horrible fear of abandonment and feel worthless.

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THEM! Victims oftentimes become predators looking for someone to victimize. Their anger over past hurts is a volcano that will consume you in a heartbeat.

DON'T TRY TO RESCUE THEM!  We all have the ability to  look within and take responsibility to save ourselves. They will surely grab hold of your life jacket just to keep their own head above water.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY.  Weigh the risks and the benefits. What have you sacrificed so far? How much more are you willing to give up?

YOUR HOPES-YOUR DREAMS-YEARS-YOUR HEALTH-YOUR SANITY-YOUR LIFE?

*NOTE-PLEASE VISIT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITES TO SEEK HELP FOR YOURSELF AND CHILDREN AND FOR SUGGESTIONS ABOUT A SAFETY PLAN...AND NEVER, NEVER, NEVER CONFRONT YOUR ABUSER ABOUT THEIR POSSIBLE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

"Are You Involved With A Psychopath?"

Stop The Madness

By: Michael G. Conner, Psy.D

---

For most of us the idea of a psychopath conjures up images from movies like "Silence of The Lambs" and characters with names like "Hannibal Lector." Fortunately characters like Hannibal don’t really exist. Serial killers and people involved in ritual torture are rare, but psychopathic behavior is more common than you might think.

I have known several psychopaths in my life. The clearest case involved an older teen who had no sense of guilt. He could learn the rules, but he had no sense of conscience. The only thing that saved him was a mother who loved him, took him to counseling for years and spent a great deal of time patiently teaching him right from wrong. I remember a conversation where he told me, "People know when something is wrong because it feels wrong. I have to remember or be reminded that stealing from someone is wrong. I don’t feel bad if I take something."

Meeting this young boy changed my opinion of a psychopathic personality. Why? Because children with this condition are "emotionally blind." And while I do not excuse cruelty or criminal behavior, I have sympathy and appreciate how hard it is for some people to learn how to act responsibly. Without help, potentially psychopathic children will become adults who never remain attached to anyone or anything for long. They may end up living a "predatory" lifestyle, feeling little or no regret, and having little or no remorse - except when they are caught or about to be locked up. A psychopath is not necessarily a bad person. But they are prone to have problems with society, rules, expectations and relationships.

A psychopath will use people for excitement, entertainment, to build their self-esteem and they invariably value people in terms of their material value (e.g. money, property, comfort, etc..). They can involve and get other people into trouble quickly and they seem to have no regret for their actions. To date there is no checklist of behavior and symptoms that will tell you with certainty whether or not a person is a psychopath. But there are warning signs. The following warning signs are based on my experience but primarily research conducted by Robert Hare, Ph.D - the leading expert on the Psychopathic Personality.

Characteristics of a Psychopath

• superficial charm
• self-centered & self-important
• need for stimulation & prone to boredom
• deceptive behavior & lying
• conning & manipulative
• little remorse or guilt
• shallow emotional response
• callous with a lack of empathy
• living off others or predatory attitude
• poor self-control
• promiscuous sexual behavior
• early behavioral problems
• lack of realistic long term goals
• impulsive lifestyle
• irresponsible behavior
• blaming others for their actions
• short term relationships
• juvenile delinquency
• breaking parole or probation
• varied criminal activity

The idea that psychopaths eat people is a myth. In reality, a person with a psychopathic personality can lead what appears to be an ordinary life. They can have jobs, get married and they can break the law like anyone else. But their jobs and marriages usually don’t last and their life is usually on the verge of personal chaos. They are almost always in some kind of trouble or they are not far from it.

A psychopath is usually a subtle manipulator. They do this by playing to the emotions of others. They typically have high verbal intelligence, but they lack what is commonly referred to as "emotional intelligence". There is always a shallow quality to the emotional aspect of their stories. In particular they have difficulty describing how they felt, why they felt that way, or how others may feel and why. In many cases you almost have to explain it to them. Close friends and parents will often end up explaining to the psychopath how they feel and how others feel who have been hurt by him or her. They can do this over and over with no significant change in the person's choices and behavior. They don't understand or appreciate the impact that their behavior has on others. They do appreciate what it means when they are caught breaking rules or the law even though they seem to end up in trouble again. They desperately avoid incarceration and loss of freedom but continue to act as if they can get away with breaking the rules. They don't learn from these consequences. They seem to react with feelings and regret when they are caught. But their regret is not so much for other people as it is for the consequences that their behavior has had on them, their freedom, their resources and their so called "friends."  They can be very sad for their self. A psychopath is always in it for their self even when it seems like they are caring for and helping others. The definition of their "friends" are people who support the psychopath and protect them from the consequence of their own antisocial behavior. Shallow friendships, low emotional intelligence, using people, antisocial attitudes and  failure to learn from the repeated consequences of their choices and actions help identify the psychopath.

Psychopaths with low intelligence or a poor education seem to end up in jail more than ones with a higher education. The lack of emotional insight is the first good sign you may be involved with a psychopath. The second best sign is a history of criminal behavior in which a person does not seem to learn from their experience, but merely thinks about ways to not get caught.

So what happens to these poor kids if they don’t learn right from wrong? Parents with a child like this usually end up angry and frustrated. They will often shield their child from the consequences of their decisions and take the role of continuously trying to educate their child as to right and wrong. The child is always in trouble and doesn’t seem to learn. Their parents may begin to excuse their child's behavior believing their child will eventually "get it." When they don't, many parents resort to punishment. But what these children need is intensive guidance, instruction, training, choices, consequences and supervision. Severe and repeated punishment alone is the worst thing you can do. Letting a child like this run around unsupervised with violent and antisocial children is almost as bad. And child abuse is a sure way to create a social misfit or a monster.

There is a growing discussion among researchers to suggest there may be a genetic influence that creates a psychopathic personality. The psychopath may lack the ability to physically feel what others identify as the physical sensation of guilt. They can feel fear, anger, sadness in the moment but not guilt for what they did or what they are about to do. Some sociologists believe that a sexually promiscuous psychopath who can live off others is a survivor and may represent one of many genes for survival in the human species. Even more surprising has been the observation that many adult psychopaths do not seem to benefit from support, counseling or therapy and may in fact commit crimes again and sooner because of it. Research using brain scanning technology has revealed that the brain of a psychopath functions and processes information differently. One famous brain imaging study showed that psychopaths can remain calm looking photos of dead bodies in automobile accidents where as other people were clearly upset. They don't use their brain they way others do. This suggests that they may be physically different from normal people.

Are you involved with a psychopath? You may not know because they can be very charming and friendly until you get close and disappoint them. Don’t assume anyone is a psychopath based on their behavior alone. It is the pattern of their life and many other factors. Please don’t go around assuming or calling someone a psychopath just because they may have some of the warning signs. Get a professional opinion from a qualified mental health professional if you think you are involved with a psychopath.

For more information on the psychopathic personality and Dr. Hare's book "Without Conscience", see www.Hare.Org

copyright 2001 to 2005, Michael G. Conner

Test for Psychopathy

http://www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm

Keith Urban - Stupid Boy (LIVE).avi

The Courage to be Free

1.  Stop looking for other people's approval to determine your own self worth. Trying to please those who cannot, will not, or are unable to recognize your worth, is like giving a gift to someone who looks at the price tag before they decide if they like it.

2. Stop feeling responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of others. You cannot do or say anything to people who CHOOSE to be miserable. They will NEVER be happy.

3.  Stop thinking you can change what happened yesterday by reliving it today…or talking about it…it only keeps you in the past and you miss the beauty of the present moment.

4.  Stop spending time with people who have agreed to live with negative states. Genuinely cheerful people are contagious. Birds of a feather…Flock with the eagles not the chickens.

5. Stop believing you can only be as successful as you are willing to push yourself through life. Push always comes to shove…and feeling pressured. Little successes lead to progress and big rewards with minimal effort.

6.  Stop explaining or justifying your actions to yourself or others. Fault finders will pick you apart by finding every flaw in your armor and attacking you in those areas.


I think this is from the Guy Finley website...I just embelished  it with some of my own thoughts.
Guy Finley's Website HERE

A Letter I Wrote in 2005!

 I found this old letter on my computer last night. It is a post I made in 2005 to A Borderline Personality Forum for loved ones dealing with the mental illness. It was when I first discovered what I was dealing with and a light bulb went on.  I cannot fathom that I had so much insight to the problem, but still continued to stay. I believe it has to do with fear and the cycle of abuse. Please read and comment.

Since finding this group and reading all the information on BP I feel I have been addressing the issue in my mind 24/7. I feel I have to take a break and just live. Is that wrong?

It has been a long, long time since I have felt 'normal'. I am continually hyper-vigilant and in a state of high alert. It is exhausting. I am always worried about what is going to happen next. I try to let go so that I can just be, but I always feel I must be 'on guard'. Always wondering when the next tirade, affair, or episode will happen and how it is going to effect me. I have come to a place where anxiety is my constant companion and it is a continuous struggle to keep it at bay. There are several times a day when I 'catch' myself feeling at peace and healthy. Mostly when I am in my element being who I am rather than who someone wants me to be and interacting with 'normal' people. Even then I wonder when or what will steal the sense of peace from me.

I have always felt (in my heart of hearts) that it was hopeless (the relationship). I know that it is harming me. This everlasting roller coaster ride. I want to get off but I am strapped in and the ride won’t stop long enough to let me jump out safely.

I have discovered in my reading all the dynamics of what has been happening. I am dealing with a NBP person and now I see that I am only his secondary narcissistic supply. He is on a never-ending quest to find something or someone to fill that gaping hole in his soul. Whether it is a recent purchase (spending spree) or girlfriend (conquest) that he acquires to anesthetize his wounds they will never be healed. I am just the tourniquet that stops him from bleeding to death. He clings to me only to stop the insanity from spiraling out of control. I am the only normalcy he has ever had and even though he desires sanity, it is unfamiliar to him and he cannot walk with it very long. I think becoming sane would cause an awareness of his past wrongs that would drive him over the edge.

Once you become conscious you must acknowledge and process your past. You must learn from it as painful as that may be. To them avoiding the pain it is so much easier. To remain in the dark grasping at things you think will keep you safe. Too fearful to turn on the lights because of the awful things you think are lurking in the recesses of every corner. Call it evasion, avoidance, or denial it is a precarious place to live. We all have lived in this place at one time or another. Unfortunately the BP person has taken up residence in this dark place permanently.   

I myself am starting to pull up the shades and crack the door to illuminate this horrific place I have been dwelling. The floor is scattered with the debris of broken dreams. The light reveals the rubble and craters I have stumbled on and into for so long. The corners are covered with the web of lies I have been told and lies I have told myself. The closets are filled with lost hope and pictures, frozen in time, of one disappointment after another. The walls are coated with hideous hues of illusion that mock me. The light exposes the mess I have been residing in. It is irreparable.  So I endeavor to clear a path attempting to sidestep all the pitfalls. I focus intently at the task at hand because to take it all in is overwhelming and seems impossible. It is hard work finding my way out of this place.  So I close my eyes in an attempt to recover and gain additional strength for the next chore. But my captor watches my every effort and attempts to thwart my progress. When my eyes are closed I wake to another thing crashing to the floor or additional debris dumped in my path. Ironically after my captor quits gloating he also picks me up and dusts me off, gives me crumbs for sustenance. I gratefully accept them, not knowing that his purpose is to keep me around because he dreads living in this horrible place alone. (In his head and his life)

I now realize that there is a light above me that beckons. It tells me the way is up and out. No need to bloody my fingers whilst scraping and clawing my way to the door. Freedom awaits in the light. The mess and the damage can eventually be left behind by rising above it all and never looking back. I just have to realize this isn’t my home or my reality. If I believe in myself and allow myself to be guided to my reality, I will soon find my haven…CATHARSIS! (definition below)

ca·thar·sis [ kə tha’arssiss ] noun

Definition:

1. emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience

2. emotional purification through Greek tragedy: according to Aristotle, a purifying of the emotions that is brought about in the audience of a tragic drama through the evocation of intense fear and pity

3. psychological purging of complexes: in psychology, the process of bringing to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to identify and relieve them, or the result of this process. Getting rid of feelings by expressing them. The process of expressing strong feelings that have been affecting you so that they do not upset you anymore.

Synonyms: release, purification, cleansing, purging, purgation, liberation, freeing up

Mental Bullying in Borderline Personality Dysfunction

I never thought of myself as being bullied all these years, but that is truly what it is. I felt as though I was the little kid on the block that had to avoid the local bully that loved to taunt and tease endlessly. You know the kind...he torments you when he feels like it, then acts nice when he wants a piece of gum or to copy your homework. It's all about him. Selfish little PR^CK!
Mental Bullying in Borderline Personality Dysfunction

Here is the ultimate video about BULLYING...click to watch on youtube.
tHOUGHTLESS BY kORN